I can see what you were doing, but not an image I can easily connect with as is. It seems more static than your discription, so maybe I don't get it.
I'd crop right down, tighter, eliminating as many distracting elements as possible, and concentrating on the identified dynamic between the subjects. Shame there is so much background clutter - it distracts a bit.
However, a nice observational "life" shot.
Example below (you know how I like to crop...)!